Fred and Flora's St. Valentine's Day Special

From today and for a limited time,
in celebration of St. Valentine,
you can find a treat online,
so grab it now, while there's still time!

For a loved one, or for yourself
there is no need to search a shelf
click a button and please your mate
'Tis better than roses and choco-late

Show her that you do adore her
As Duke Fred does his Lady Flora
I promise the start of a great amore!
'cos with this book you'll never bore 'er.

(Yikes.)

But now that I have your attention with my dreadful attempt at poetry, you can pick up an e-book copy of the Peculiar Pink Toes of Lady Flora for a bargain price online. So surprise a loved one -- or yourself! It's thrifty AND romantic, who can complain about that?

Get you Valentine Special here! Or go to your Amazon/ Barnes and Noble/ Smashwords etc. to find Lady Flora and her shockingly pink toes.


* * * *

When a playful and blindfolded Lady Flora Chelmsworth collides, literally, with the arrogant and staid Duke of Malgrave— subsequently manhandling his person and mistaking him for a hat stand—it is not an auspicious beginning. Assuming she hasn't made the best of impressions, therefore, Flora is shocked and alarmed when he soon proposes marriage. With her troubles, she can only decline the offer.

For one thing, she's not the woman he thinks she is. For another, she's not even sure that she knows who she is. Her past, as she remembers it, contains blood-thirsty pirates, Covent Garden concubines and a babe in a hatbox. And that's just the beginning. Or one of them. It wouldn't be fair to marry this very proper and painfully dignified gentleman, whose life is loaded with duties and responsibilities, his past free of mystery, scandal and misadventure.

Rejected by the impertinent chit, his pride wounded, Malgrave should forget this curious bump in his usually well-planned path. Unfortunately, getting ahead of himself—unaccustomed to refusal—he has prematurely commissioned her palm-sized portrait. Anonymously, of course, for discretion's sake. Now, hidden in some secret place, where only he shall ever see it, her replica will serve as both a reminder of that humiliating mistake and a caution against similar temptations.

Little does he know that Lady Flora's miniature portrait will also one day bring her spinning back to his arms. From a far greater distance than he could ever imagine. Several hundred years, in fact.

What did the bees know?

Suspect: Mrs. Hazel Carruthers, Housekeeper

Age: Various reports. Unconfirmed.

             She has been the housekeeper at Welford Hall for only six months and already made an enemy of the "toplofty" butler. There is no love lost between the two head members of staff and Carruthers has been heard to say that she will "swing for that butler one of these days". He's accused her of deliberately killing off the bees in one of her ladyship's hives, as well as eavesdropping at doors and stealing wine from his cellar. But Lady Isolda wanted to give Carruthers — a widow with impeccable references from her former life in service— another chance. Thus the butler has not been able to get rid of the housekeeper he despises.

            Not yet, in any case.

          

Little is known about Hazel Carruthers, other than small snippets she has shared with other staff, such as her unhappy childhood in the workhouse. And most of her stories they don't fully believe, for she's told so many of them and seldom the same one twice. Now she's gone off— with no notice— to visit her sister-in-law in Cleethorpes. At least, that's where she's gone according to one version she told.

            She's unpredictable and tends to do whatever she wants, much to the butler's steadily building rage. If she fails to return, he's certainly one who will celebrate heartily.

            But her association with Welford Hall and its inhabitants is not yet over. She just might be plotting her return, a prank, and a little bit of vengeance.

            Carruthers may, or may not have killed off one of Lady Isolda's hives, but she definitely has a bee in her bonnet about something.

            Find out what on February 20th. Pre-order now!

 

(Image used here: The Fur Jacket by Joseph DeCamp 1910)

The Husband

Suspect: Ezra Welford

Age: 69

            Wealthy businessman, Ezra Welford, made his fortune with confectionary, producing popular toffee, pastilles, chocolates, caramel and humbugs in his York factory and selling it in stores all over the country. Despite his financial success, however, Ezra feels incomplete without a knighthood. For several years now he has been angling for that acclaim, but to no avail. Unfortunately, he is not a man of good manners, patience, grace or dignity, and since he so stubbornly believes that he is always in the right, he cannot be taught. His desperate, clumsy efforts to fit in with aristocratic society tend to push his chances of ever being accepted by them even farther away.

            He married Lady Isolda Skefflington when she was eighteen and newly returned after four years living in Bermuda with her half-brother, the Marquess of Skefflington. She was everything Ezra wanted in a wife -- elegant, connected, impeccably well-mannered and of ancient pedigree. The Skefflingtons have an entire page in Burke's Peerage. So he fully expected their marriage to open more doors and smooth his upward path.

          

  Much to Ezra's aggravation, however, things have not quite turned out the way he planned. Everybody loves and admires Lady Isolda, but her husband still struggles for respect from the upper classes. Adding to his frustration, the three children she gave him have turned out most disappointingly, causing him nothing but indigestion. The grand manor house he built on land purchased from the Marquess of Skefflington is widely mocked as ugly and pretentious, and, to be frank, since he has nothing in common with his fine lady wife, her noble presence at his side is little more than salt in his wound, a reminder of his own failures and everything he will never be.

            Isolda is still, after more than forty years of marriage, something of a mystery to her husband. Her frail health irritates him, because he sees it as an excuse to avoid his company— a suspicion enlarged by her ladyship's preference for certain members of staff to whom she confides. His children are ungrateful, unhappy and show him little respect, and the household staff, he's quite sure, look down their noses at him. He is, in many ways, a stranger in his own home, where everything is his wife's "province".

           

Now that she's dead, everything will change. Could something have happened during the garden party, in the festering heat of that afternoon, to put him over the edge?  The guests on his lawn were drinking champagne, but Ezra, preferring something less sweet, bubbly and "fancy", sent the stuck-up butler indoors for a bottle of port. It might not be the proper time of day for his favorite tipple and it might not look refined, but on this hot day he was beyond caring. He decided he would drink what he wanted to drink, eat what he wanted to eat, say whatever he wanted to say, and they could all put up with it. Or leave.

            There comes a time in every man's life when he's simply had enough.

            Perhaps this was Ezra's day.

 

BESPOKE is available now for pre-order!

 

(Image used here: Portrait of Frank Duveneck by Joseph DeCamp 1916 and Still Life: Two glasses of red wine, a bottle of wine, a corkscrew and a plate of biscuits on a tray by Albert Anker)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Nurse and the Knight

Suspect: Imogen Welles, Nurse

Age: Forty

             Nurse Welles was hired to look after and manage Lord Percival, Lady Isolda's younger brother, who can be quite a handful. She is a no-nonsense sort with a dry sense of humor and a resting expression that seems steeped in vinegar. But something about her self-complacent smirk suggests she knows more about the family secrets and sins than she's letting on.

            Whatever she knows, Nurse Welles protects her information as a crypt-keeper guards bones. She steers clear of the servants' hall to avoid all the petty squabbles, and lives in Lord Percy's rooms on an upper floor of the house in what used to be the nursery.

      

      It is evident that the nurse sees herself as superior to all other staff and, indeed, to most of the Welfords too. According to the butler, she has ingratiated herself with the lady of the house by freely supplying certain remedies for anxieties and headaches, as well as providing a confidential and sympathetic ear on occasion. The butler, of course, resents this intrusion, as he has been her ladyship's friend and confident far longer. But Nurse Welles remains unmoved by the butler's dislike and only faintly amused by his jealous fussing. In her eyes she is far above him in consequence and in Lady Isolda's favor.

            After all, two women together can not only share a great many secrets they would never tell a man, they can also complain about things the male gender would never understand.

            As for Lord Percival, she can handle him better than anybody else ever could. The knack, she says, is not to believe a word he utters -- but to presume everything he comes up with is an extension of his make-believe world. Her job is to take care of his practical, daily needs and keep him sheltered from the real world. In other words to keep him "out of the way" where he cannot embarrass the haughty Welfords, who, in actual fact, do a fairly good job of embarrassing themselves.     

 * * * *

Suspect: Lord Percival Skefflington

Age: Fifty-two. (Prefers five and a half. Or twenty-five.)

 

            Percy Skefflington is the younger brother of Lady Isolda and the last child of the fifth Marquess of Skefflington. His elder half-brother Amyas, the current Marquess, resides in Bermuda, where he has lived since before Percy was born. Amyas Skefflington still holds the title, but gave up most of his Yorkshire property when Percy was a boy, selling the land to wealthy, socially ambitious, Yorkshire businessman Ezra Welford.

      

      He might not appear to have much grip on reality, but Lord Percy is very much aware of his proud, noble and ancient Skefflington roots -- just as he knows the Welford family are cuckoos on that land. The old castle on the hill might be in ruins, but Percy still sees it as it used to be, long ago, when brave warriors defended the battlements on behalf of his ancestors. He also imagines himself as a much younger man, armor-clad and ready for war to protect his Skefflington birthright.

            But since marrying into that "common" family of thieves and humbug-salesmen, his sister Isolda has promised to look after Percy. She vows to keep him safe and out of an asylum. She's also promised him that one day, when she's gone, he will inherit secret treasure. Or so he says. Perhaps she simply wanted to keep  him on his best behavior.

            Perhaps it is just another of his fantasies.

            As Nurse Welles remarks, "Lord Percival says a lot of things all day long. Very little of it has anything to do with reality. If I rushed around in response to every statement he makes, I'd never have a moment's peace."

            But the last thing Percy wants is for anybody to be at peace on his land. Not when the usurpers don't belong there.

            Fortunately for them, he is distracted, at present, by what flavor jam he'll have in his sandwiches for tea at three o'clock and that is his most pressing matter.

 

* * * *

 

BESPOKE is now available for pre-order, or pick up your copy on February 20th!

 

(Images used here: Our Nanny by Joseph DeCamp, 1895. Portrait of Lord Percy as a Young Man William of Orange by Antonis Mor, 1555)

 

The Surplus Siblings

Suspects: Master Galahad and Miss Clelia Welford, reluctant brother and sister

Age: 39 and 36 respectively

 

            "I've always been excess. Surplus to requirement," says Galahad, the  youngest Welford son and middle child. "So has Clelia, haven't you, sister dearest?" Referring to their parents, he claims, "They only needed an heir. Lord knows why they had us too."

            Since he has little responsibility or incentive in his life, Galahad drifts along from one aimless pleasure to another. He is a profligate gambler, and not a very lucky one. The need for money is the only reason he comes home to Welford Hall occasionally, but his parents are growing less inclined to  pay off his debts these days.

   

         In fact, on the Sunday of his mother's annual garden party, he was heard asking for money, yet again, first from his father and then his mother.  He was witnessed storming out of the house in a foul mood, shortly before his mother's dead body was discovered in the conservatory. Known to be an irreverent, roguish fellow, who never takes anything seriously unless it threatens his unchallenging, self-absorbed existence, could it be possible that he lashed out that day when his mother put her foot down and refused to give him money?

            Now he's anxious to get back to London and his usual entertainments for Welford Hall, in his opinion, is no better than a mausoleum. He has no love for his elder brother and sister-in-law, no respect for his father and very little tolerance or understanding for his meek sister. Oddly enough, he is a favorite of the cook, Bess Duckworth, who still thinks of him as a cheeky little boy stealing jam tarts from her kitchen. Galahad possesses a certain charm with the ladies when he cares to use it— if he has the energy to put in any effort. But all those years wasted in pointless pursuits have left him directionless, tired with no cause to be and bitter with no real reason.

            There is one thing he prides himself on, however. Galahad Welford is no hypocrite and never hesitates to tell people what he truly thinks of them. Including the members of his family.

 

* * * *

 

            Clelia is the only daughter of the Welfords. At thirty-six she is considered an old maid, well beyond her prime and with no hope of building her own life outside the house in which she has grown up under her mother's watchful, demanding eye. She is very much aware of the fact that everybody in the family regards her as a disappointment, as a plain spinster with no particular purpose. To her brothers she is an inconvenience at best; an embarrassment at worst.    

            She has no formal education, other than training in the skills expected of a society wife and hostess— including music, dancing and light conversation; subjects in which she never excelled and was only ever deemed barely adequate. In her early twenties, there were a few hopes of her finding a husband, but those days are long gone and now she drifts about the house like a lost ghost, preferring, most of the time, not to be noticed.

            Very recently, however, Clelia Welford's life has taken a slight, shy, surprising turn for the better. Afraid that her family might interfere and spoil it for her, she's managed to keep this change a secret. Until her brothers find out and, on the day of the garden party, one of them decides to tell her mother all about it.

            Lady Isolda was a woman who went to great lengths to keep her family away from scandal. So how did she react to the news of her daughter's shocking act of rebellion? And what did Clelia do when confronted? Was she finally pushed to the edge, desperate to end the dreariness of her life as a woman overlooked in that house?

            The Welford siblings may have been raised with every luxury and comfort that great wealth can provide, but they know nothing of parental love and compassion. Their father is mostly disinterested and so absent from their lives that he knows and cares about nothing going on in them. Their mother, however, tried to manage everything and, since she had a hand on the purse-strings, she usually succeeded in curbing their freedom— completely in Clelia's case, and to a certain degree in Galahad's.

            They both dreamed of escaping her reins, but they were chained to her; Galahad by greed, Clelia by fear of the outside world. With the death of Lady Isolda, their lives are about to change, some of those ties to Welford Hall being ripped asunder.

            Did one of them engineer it that way out of desperation? Perhaps they were even in it together?

 

* * * *

 

Look out for "BESPOKE" coming officially to an online bookstore near you on February 20th, 2019. available HERE FOR PRE-ORDER.

 

(Images used here: Portrait of a Young Gentleman by George Dawe 1819 and A Song Without Words by George Hamilton Barrable 1880)

The Actress

Suspect: Florence "Florrie" Potts

Age: None of your business

            On the Sunday afternoon of the garden party at Welford Hall, Florrie Potts was carrying a tray of teacups onto the lawn when a severed foot fell out of the sky and landed on her. Anyone might expect the young woman to be a quivering mess of nerves after that. But with her love of drama she's rather enjoying all the attention.

            Not only is Florrie the head housemaid at Welford Hall, as she will eagerly tell you, she is also the only housemaid now that Pace, the butler, has succeeded in getting the under-housemaids dismissed. She also likes to tell anybody who will listen that she is worked off her feet in that house, but that does not stop her indulging in illicit romantic liaisons, as well as practicing her elocution lessons for a future life on the music hall stage. Yes, she's ambitious and not about to be held back by her humble beginnings. Florrie Potts is going places and anybody who gets in her way will be sorry.

            Everybody knows that the housemaid has a temper and a bold determination to get what she wants in life, but would she go so far as murder? Could Lady Isolda have discovered one of Florrie's secrets and threatened to turn her out on her ear?

            Unlike most servants, Florrie is not afraid to speak up for herself and she does not much care for rules, whereas her ladyship is a stickler for them. So why has the housemaid remained at Welford Hall so long?  What, exactly, is Florrie up to and with whom?

            She's keen to tell the detective her version of events and help out in any way she can. For instance, she advises him to question that haughty, pious butler because he definitely knows something. And then there is that "fancy cake woman" who brought her three-tiered chocolate creation to the house on the afternoon of the murder. Now there is a stranger that nobody knows anything about. Oh, yes, Florrie has plenty of suggestions for the detective when it comes to suspects.

            The housemaid, Detective Inspector Deverell decides, might be cheerfully forthcoming with the ideas, but she's still holding something back. He knows she certainly was not where she said she was for most of that fateful afternoon, nor was she doing anything she was supposed to be doing. Florrie, it seems, is already acting a part and relishing her moment in the footlights, but will she eventually slip up and forget her lines?

* * * *

Find out what Miss Potts has been up to on February 20th, when "BESPOKE" comes to all the best online bookstores.  

 

(Image used here: George Goodwin Kilburne: The New Arrangement , before1924)

What the butler saw...

Suspect: Charles Pace, Butler

Age: 52

            Pace, the butler, is originally from Portugal, which makes him an exotic sight in Victorian Yorkshire. He is a proud man, punctilious, dutiful and devoted to Lady Isolda. Yet another servant whose name she felt it necessary to change when he joined her household, he complies unquestioning with this and all her rules.

            But as faithful as he is to his mistress, Pace has a knack for rubbing everybody else the wrong way. His high-handed manner is not appreciated by the young maids of the house, or by the cook and the housekeeper— both of whom think they know better than "That Spaniard" and resent the influence he appears to hold over Lady Isolda. To consolidate his power, the butler has already seen to the dismissal of several under-housemaids. He was working on the removal of his worst enemy, the housekeeper, when she absconded of her own accord, quite suddenly and without notice, leaving the household and it's mistress in something of a pickle a mere two weeks before the annual garden party.

        

    Pace says he knew the housekeeper was untrustworthy and had advised against keeping her. She was nothing but trouble. Now he's glad she's gone, even if it means more work and responsibility on his shoulders. One way or another, with the housekeeper out of his way, he will whip the remaining staff into proper order and sort the wheat from the chaff.

            Since he came to Welford Hall, Pace has become a confidant to Lady Isolda and a great favorite. They share a love of nature and, especially, the craft of bee-keeping. Some of the staff think he's a little too close to her ladyship and they fear that he has wheedled his way into her affections with dark motives. But Pace has no care for the opinion of anybody in that house except for Lady Isolda. Even the other members of her family, in his view, are ungrateful, ill-mannered, undeserving sloths who use and abuse her ladyship.

            He always knew something like this would happen one day and he has a long list of folk he believes could easily have murdered his beloved mistress. Anybody but himself, of course. He is the only one in the house who appreciated that lady.

            But he cannot stand here talking to you all day, for there is work to be done and nobody else can be trusted to do it properly, as her ladyship would wish it done. Even in death.

* * * *

"BESPOKE", a murder mystery romance, will be served up for your enjoyment on February 20th, 2019. Find out then who killed Lady Isolda Skefflington Welford and what Pace was caught burning in his fireplace.

 

(Image used here: The Steward by Joseph DeCamp c. 1919)